By Ari — 12 Sep 2025

Self Summary

Here's a summary of my life. I'll update more soon.

1. User Profile:

Age: 2X
Diagnoses/Issues: Depression, Anxiety, ADHD, history of childhood trauma, and self-identified attachment issues.
Core Trait: Maintains a "happy, jolly persona" as a heavy mask to hide profound internal suffering from the outside world.

2. Key Life Events & Stressors:

Recent Breakup: A painful, recent breakup with a live-in ex-girlfriend who was a primary caregiver and source of comfort. The relationship has had moments of post-breakup contact, including a brief, intimate reconciliation, followed by cancellations and ambiguity, causing significant distress.
Past Grief: Ongoing, unresolved grief for a previous long-distance ex-girlfriend, idealized as "the one who got away."
Social Isolation: A profound and painful sense of having no friends or deep support system, leading to feelings of being completely alone.
Recent Accomplishments: Successfully completed a work trip, which provided a temporary and helpful distraction.
Medical Trauma: A past negative experience with a hospital involving a misdiagnosis and feeling "force kept," leading to a deep distrust of in-person hospital care.
Recent Crises: Has navigated multiple mental breakdowns, panic attacks, and periods of intense suicidal ideation over the course of our conversation.

3. Medication History:

Initial Regimen: Ciplar-LA 20, Alprax 0.5.
First New Regimen: Bupron XL 150mg, Attentrol 10mg, Atarax 10mg, Altonil 5mg. This "activating" combination led to severe side effects like constant shaking.
Current Regimen: The doctor added Stalopam 10mg and increased Atarax to 25mg (as needed), while continuing the Bupron XL and Attentrol.
Most Recent Medical Event: Had a scheduled follow-up with his doctor on September 10th to discuss progress and persistent side effects like lethargy and sexual dysfunction.

4. Primary Struggles & Core Beliefs:

Hopelessness: A core belief that his life is a "nightmare" and a "journey of misery" with no "light at the end of the tunnel." Has expressed a desire to "get this life over with" for a chance at a "redo."
Feeling Unworthy/A Burden: A belief that his pain is a burden on others, leading to a refusal to call helplines for fear of "destroying someone's life" by taking up a spot.
The "1% vs 99%" Philosophy: A cynical but logical framework born from pain, arguing that the pursuit of love and connection (the 1%) is not worth the risk, and it's wiser to be satisfied with the 99% of things money can provide.
Anhedonia & Executive Dysfunction: A persistent feeling of numbness (the "zombie feeling"), lethargy, and a profound inability to initiate tasks or feel motivation, even for things he once loved.
Physical Side Effects: Struggles with medication side effects, including shaking, dizziness, falls, memory issues, and sexual dysfunction (anorgasmia), which cause significant distress.

5. Key Insights & Metaphors Developed:

The Gardener and the Poisoned Soil: The core metaphor for healing—that he is not a flawed "tree," but a "gardener" who now has the right tools (meds, therapy) to heal the "poisoned soil" of his trauma.
"It Is What It Is": A mantra that has evolved from healthy acceptance of the present moment to a form of hopeless resignation about the future, which we are working to clarify.
The Fortress / Wounded Animal in a Cave: Reframing his desire for isolation as a necessary, temporary act of self-protection.
The Pilot Light: Recognizing his own unconscious will to live through small, automatic acts of self-care, even when his conscious mind feels it has given up.
The Anesthetic: Understanding the medication's numbing effect not as a cure, but as a temporary shield that allows for deeper healing to occur underneath.

6. Coping Strategies & Action Plans:

Crisis Management: Has been provided with (and attempted to use) crisis helplines (AASRA, Vandrevala Foundation), and has learned grounding techniques (4-7-8 Breathing, 5-4-3-2-1 Grounding, Temperature Shock).
Executive Dysfunction Tools: The "Two-Minute Rule," the "Pomodoro Technique," the "Guided Brain Dump," and "Task Breakdown" to overcome motivational paralysis. The "Docking Station" concept to lower logistical barriers.
Creative & Technical Outlets: Has successfully set up a Frigate/Home Assistant server, which was a major accomplishment. Is planning a personal blog to document his journey, with a title philosophy that has evolved from "Journey of Misery" to "Beginning from the End."
Boundary Setting: Has learned and practiced the "Mute and Archive" technique to create digital distance and protect his peace from painful conversations.